


Someone Who Couldn't Save Him

by bilgegungoren00



Series: A Boy from Daxam and a Girl from Krypton (KaraMel) [14]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Crying, Death, Emptiness, F/M, Feels, Guilt, I'm crying, Pain, Tears, supergirl 2x08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 14:57:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8849365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bilgegungoren00/pseuds/bilgegungoren00
Summary: What if Eliza was unable to find a cure for the Medusa virus to save Mon-El before he died? 
Supergirl 2x08 Canon Divergence (thankfully)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, before I even say hi, I'm just gonna warn all of you: The following fanfiction you're about to read may include scenes too painful for fangirls, may involve tears and even sobs, and having napkins around is suggested.
> 
> So yeah, after writing five or six consecutive fluffy KaraMel fanfictions, today's geography exam literally put me in a too depressive mood to think anything happy, and this was what my brain came up with. I actually was thinking of starting a request (which would be pure fluff as well) but I just wasn't in the place for it. So I apologize if this is too painful, because it certainly made me want to curl up in a ball and sob more than once. 
> 
> Anyway, I (still) hope you like it :)

Kara knew from her sister’s voice that something was wrong. She was flying back to the DEO right after she discovered the Medusa virus didn’t work. As it turned out, Lena had switched the isotopes, making the virus inert. Her relief was palpable in her face as she flied back almost lazily, not having to rush anywhere that day for once, just enjoying the night-lights of the National City and the distant, normal noises of traffic and humans. She almost missed even the disturbing ones that day, anything to make her feel normal.

That was when Alex had called her comms. “Um, Supergirl?” Even those two words were enough for Kara to realize Alex wasn’t just checking in to see where or how she was. Something had happened.

“Is everything okay?” she asked immediately, slowing down to hear her sister better.

“No. You need to come to the DEO immediately. It’s about Mon-El.” When she heard his name, Kara immediately discarded every single thought in her head and rushed to the DEO. She was telling herself over and over again that it couldn’t be what she thought it was. It hadn’t been that long since she left his side. And he had been fine. He’d looked fine. He even… He even…

She quickly stopped that line of thought as she landed on DEO’s terrace and ran in. It had barely been seconds since Alex called her, yet she didn’t lose any time as she made her way to Mon-El’s hospital room, only to witness the doctors removing the IV drip from his arm. Her heart sank.

“What are they doing?” she asked as she tried to barge into the room, not seeing anyone around her as she grabbed the handle of the door. They couldn’t remove the IV drip. Mon-El was sick with the virus, he needed that to live until they… Until they found a cure.

Somebody grabbed her arm, pulling her back. “Supergirl, wait.” It was a man’s voice, yet Kara couldn’t distinguish who it was because of her pounding heart. The beats were ringing in her ears, each beat screaming denial, anger, frustration, and pain. Most of all pain. She knew what happened. Deep down, she knew, she could feel it, yet her heart didn’t accept it. She shook her head.

“They can’t take the IV drip off, he’s barely alive,” she said, her voice sounding considerably better than she felt. It still shook, fear was still audible, but she didn’t look like she was about to freak out as she locked her eyes to Mon-El. Silently she begged him to open his eyes, straighten up, move, do something that would indicate he was alive. Yet he was lying there on the bed, motionless, as if…

“Kara, I’m sorry,” Alex whispered this time, putting her hand on Kara’s shoulder. “The virus—“

“ _No_ ,” Kara interrupted harshly without turning around. “No, don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that.” She tried to step forward but was stopped again.

“Kara, listen to me.”

_“He’s not dead!”_ she yelled suddenly, her voice cracking in the middle of that sentence. “He can’t be dead. He was fine before I left. He even…” She couldn’t continue as tears filled her eyes, blurring her vision. She thought for a second that there was an earthquake because everything seemed to be out of place and shaking, shaking so badly that it hurt, it hurt so much. Everything around her crumbled down, only Mon-El staying in her line of vision as she stared into the room. _Wake up_ , she begged in her head. _Please, please wake up. I can’t lose you too. I can’t lose anyone else_.

“He’s not dead.” Kara wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince as those words left her mouth. Shaking her head, she tried to pull herself together and clenched her teeth. “He’s _not_ dead.” This time, she sounded more convincing as she stepped forward again, yanking her arm off her sister’s grip too harshly that it made Alex stumble forward. “We just need to keep him alive for a while more until we can find a cure. We need to—“ She was just about to go into the room when J’onn stepped in front of her.

“Kara, stop,” he said quietly so that nobody would hear her real name. Pain and understanding was visible in his eyes as he lifted his hands slowly, opening his palms to show it wasn’t an order but a request. Kara clenched her teeth.

“Mon-El needs me,” she protested as she attempted to pass by J’onn, but the man grabbed his arms this time to stop her.

“Kara, _you_ need to stop. There’s nothing you can do now. It’s too late.”

_It’s too late. It’s too late. Too late_ …

The words spun around Kara’s mind, repeating themselves over and over again. It was too much for her to handle.

“No, it’s not!” she yelled, pushing J’onn back. If he wasn’t an alien, he would’ve crashed through the glass doors and flew to the other side of the room, but J’onn had managed to keep Kara’s strength in control. His grip on her hands strengthened as Kara continued to struggle. She hit him, kicked him, punched him, tried to wriggle free but she couldn’t. And all that time she was screaming the same words over and over again, like if she said them enough times they would be real. She knew it caught the attention of the other DEO agents, but she didn’t care. She _couldn’t_ care. “It’s not too late. You’re lying. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s _not_ …” Her punches lost their strength with each one as her arms began to tremble, as tears started burning their way down her cheeks, as her throat turned scratchy and her voice became hoarse, and finally she gave up. She was sobbing and shaking as if she was naked in a cold winter weather, as if someone had thrown her into the Arctic Ocean, as if she was drowning and couldn’t find the surface, just struggling against the strong waves of the water pulling her down, down, down until nothing began to seem real.

J’onn’s arms wrapped around her as she felt like she was about to collapse to her knees. This time, she accepted his embrace, letting him pat her in the back, stroke her hair and caress her arms, letting him at least try to comfort her even though she thought it was impossible. He was gone. Mon-El was gone. How could she be _okay_?

She managed to calm down after a while, though it wasn’t because she felt calmer or the initial excruciating pain and guilt had passed. It was because she didn’t have any tears left, and she was too tired to even cry. She felt completely hollowed out. Yes, she didn’t know Mon-El for such a long time, but it made no matter. Mon-El was the only one in the entire world who knew exactly how she felt. Even Clark couldn’t understand Kara completely, all he remembered was Earth. But Kara did remember Krypton, she had a life and a family there, and she’d thought she’d have a future there, just like Mon-El had thought about Daxam. And then she’d lost all of that. Of course she loved all of her friends and her family, and felt exceptionally lucky and grateful that she found such people on Earth, yet they didn’t know how it felt like when your whole world had turned upside down—or blown up, in that matter.

Mon-El did. He understood her completely. With him, she didn’t have to hide anything, hold back anything. He knew how lonely it could sometimes feel to remember her childhood. Alex, or Winn, or James might not understand why she still missed Krypton after all that time, especially after finding out the truths about her parents, but Mon-El did. Because at the end of the day, Krypton had been her home once, just as Daxam had been Mon-El’s home, and no matter how terrible both planets might seem now, there was a time both of them had been happy and content in their respective planets. That was how Kara had managed to get so close to Mon-El so fast, why she wanted to spend time with him and missed him when he wasn’t around, and how she’d…she’d ended up _liking_ him.

All of that was too unbearable to think about as all of that had been taken away from her in just one moment. She would never be able to talk to Mon-El anymore, joke with him, drink with him, have fun with him, and…and share her loneliness in a way that she didn’t feel alone. She’d lost him, and it was simply unbearable.

“I want to see him,” Kara managed to say finally as he pulled back from J’onn’s embrace. He’d carried her to a couch at some point. Alex was next to her as well, though Kara suspected she’d made James and Winn go away. She felt grateful to her sister suddenly. She didn’t think she could handle having too many people around when _he_ wasn’t a part of the group.

“I don’t think that’s a—“

“No, I have to see him.” She lifted her eyes to look at Alex, wondering if her face looked as emptied out as her heart felt. “He’s my…” She almost wanted to laugh when she couldn’t even find the right word to describe him. Friend felt too…bland and simple after everything that had happened between them, and definitely after the kiss they shared. Yet she couldn’t call him her boyfriend because she didn’t exactly know what that kiss meant; it was perfectly possible that Mon-El was hallucinating, and at the end of the day hadn’t wanted to have a relationship with her or liked her that way. Tears welled up in her eyes with the struggle as she shook her head. “Just let me see him.”

Alex and J’onn glanced at each other, talking in that silent way they did, before Alex nodded and helped Kara stand up. Even though she was the alien and the superhero, she felt so bone-weary that she accepted Alex’s help gratefully. Alex led her to the hospital room where Mon-El was still lying down in.

From afar, Kara almost could pretend that he was alive. Yes, he was in the bed, covered with a blanket, and he looked sick, but that wasn’t much different than how he looked a couple of hours ago when she left. She could almost close her eyes and pretend the last couple of hours, even the last day didn’t happen, that Mon-El was still alive. He’d come to her house in Thanksgiving morning again with bed stuffing instead of the food stuffing. He’d talk to her mother again as if he wanted to get Eliza’s attention _and_ love. And Eliza would laugh again at the ridiculous suggestion that Mon-El was hitting on her, telling Kara that she was the one Mon-El liked. She could almost imagine how it would be like. _Almost_.

But it wasn’t the reality. The reality was there, right in front of her: Mon-El lying on the bed he took his last breath. _Dead_. And no matter how much she wanted to ignore what was really going on, just as she’d done about Krypton when she first landed on Earth even though she knew the truth, she couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. It especially wouldn’t be fair to Mon-El.

Alex let Kara go in front of the hospital room. At first, Kara just stood there, gaping at the bed. It took all the courage she had to walk into the room and sit beside the bed, her eyes never leaving Mon-El’s still form. _He’s just asleep_ , a part of her mind told her. _He’ll wake up, and he’ll laugh at me for worrying too much about him_. Shutting her eyes tightly, Kara let that last bit of hope go as tears started streaming down her face again.

“Mon-El…” she whispered with a voice thick from crying. She wanted to say more, more than his name at least, but words seemed to be stuck at her throat as she lifted her hand slowly to take his. It was still warm. The death still hadn’t taken that away. And his cheeks… Even though they were pale, they didn’t look dead. In fact, no part of him looked dead. It felt like if she reached up and searched for a pulse, it’d be there, beating steadily as it always did. Or if she listened closely enough, she’d hear his heart. But she didn’t. The only heartbeat she heard was hers, pounding in her chest, slamming against her ribs and cracking more and more with each beat.

“You can’t be gone,” Kara croaked, just because she didn’t know what else to say. “You… You don’t deserve it. I know you didn’t think that way, but you didn’t.” She stopped when she felt like sobbing again, squeezing Mon-El’s hand too tightly that it’d make him uncomfortable… _if_ he could feel it.

Kara shook her head, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. “I know you also wouldn’t blame me but… But it was my fault. If I was faster, if I didn’t let Cadmus take my blood, if I somehow knew what my parents had been up to when I was in Krypton, I might’ve prevented this. But I was too late, and now…” A quiet sob escaped her lips. She pressed her lips together to prevent herself from breaking down again, yet her shoulders and arms were shaking with her effort. “You didn’t even have the chance to have a life here. You didn’t have the chance to… How is this fair?” She knew that question would do her no good, yet she couldn’t help herself. “How is it fair that you’re gone? How is it fair that you leave so soon when I… When I finally didn’t feel alone anymore?” She bit down her lip so harshly that it started bleeding. She couldn’t even breathe as she looked at Mon-El’s face, as if someone was pressing on her chest, limiting the intake of air. As if the shards of her heart clogged the passage of air to her lungs. Even though it was physically impossible, she certainly thought it’d feel just as painful if that happened. “I mean, I couldn’t even get the chance to…” Her voice trailed off as words appeared in her mind, but they hurt too much that she couldn’t say it at first. She had to force them out, and still every letter felt like knives cutting up her throat. “To tell you how I felt about you.” She lifted her fingers to touch her lips, to feel his lips on hers again, to feel the desperate way he clung on her as if it was the last time he could touch anyone, and the way she followed him, leaned close, wanting to get a better taste of his lips, his hands, his body, wanting to be close to him.

They were close now, too, yet Kara had never felt too far away from anyone, ever since she’d left Krypton. She took a shaky breath. “You deserved to know what I felt. I should never have pretended like…like you were only a friend to me. You weren’t. You were the only person who made me feel understood. The only person that I could talk about missing Krypton with and not feel like you didn’t get how it felt. The only person I could let myself go completely with, without fearing who I am and what I can do. The only person that made me feel like that carefree child in Krypton, Kara Zor-El, that I thought I’d lost the moment Krypton was destroyed. You were the only person that could take my loneliness away completely.” She searched for a sign in Mon-El’s face hopelessly, a sign that said he heard her. Yet he didn’t, she knew it. All the things she wanted to say, all the things he deserved to know, it was too late to say them. He would never know.

He would never know how much he meant to Kara.

Another sob escaped Kara’s lips as she leaned forward, caressing Mon-El’s cheek as he caressed hers before he kissed her, and then pressed her lips softly to his. His lips were cold, but that wasn’t what made her shiver. It was the lifelessness in the kiss, it was the fact that he didn’t return it that was unbearable. She didn’t want to remember his kiss like that. She wanted it to be when he was alive. So she pulled back, sitting back on her chair as another sob escaped, and another, and before long she was sobbing again, drowning in tears that she thought had dried out completely. But they were coming one after another, draining her as she clutched onto Mon-El’s hand, afraid to let go, afraid to accept that he was dead.

Even though she knew it would be the last time they ever held hands.

* * *

_I think the hardest part of losing someone_   
_isn’t having to say goodbye_   
_but rather learning to live without them._   
_Always trying to fill the void,_   
_the emptiness that’s left inside your heart_   
_when they go._


End file.
